'''Useless Planks United'''
Club Logo
Club Name
Current Manager
The Hatchet Man
Current League
League 2, Group 16 (4.16)
Current Club Captain
Club Legends
Joshua Fletcher, Youssef El Mrini, Luis Landin, Danilo, Alan Eastwood, Warren Mitchell
Club Icons
Brian Clarke, Arkwright Snead, Andy Samaras, Edmund Smith, Rico Haley, Augustin Donckers
Favoured Personnel
Shang XiaoBao, Pierre Francois Burgaud, Magne Gjertsen, Derrick Clayton

Useless Planks United were founded on the 9th of October 2009, in Season 17. They currently play in Division 4, and have high ambitions for the future.

History Edit

Useless Planks United (Previously Colchester FC and, before that, FC Colchester Dinamos) were founded after club chairman and 100% owner, Mr Imanidiot, pulled out of full financial backing of Division 5 club, Colchester FC. Colchester FC subsequently went bankrupt, and the new club was formed soon after, with most of the loyal fans joining the fanbase of the most popular Essex based club.

The club started life in Division 7, which is a massive difference to the Division 5 quality that the fans expected, with plenty of physical football.

The club soon made it to Division 6, only losing 1 game all season, and included a 4-0 win on the last day of the season with the youngsters.

The team then gained promotion to Division 5 with another stunning season. They finished top of the table, scoring plenty and conceeding few. Everyone thought that Division 5 would be relatively easy to remain in.

Those predictions were proven to be incorrect, as Colchester FC were relegated in their first attempt at Division 5. Defensively, they were very good, but attacking wise they were terrible.

During the following season, Jac El Doomio was removed from his post after a disappointing start to Division 6 life. Sir Jack was installed as new manager, and Colchester FC gained promotion back to Division 5 as champions of 6.136. Again, they conceeded few, mainly down to Youssef El Mrini. They also scored significantly more goals. The season also saw debuts for youngsters; Talal Al Idrissi, Alton Derbyshire, Lino Leão and former player Ben Wilkins. Luis Landin was named 6.136's Player of the Season, and Danilo Viera was named the U21 Player of the Season.

Colchester FC under Sir Jack narrowly avoided relegation from Division 5 via inactive sides. They had performed much worse than the previous attempt in Division 5. Luis Landin retired at the end of the season, but this was not to be the last we would hear of him.

Luis Landin replaced Sir Jack in Season 22 after allegations that Sir Jack was creating a Satanic cult using the club's fanbase. The Calchy Worshippers fanclub was disbanded, and Sir Jack was sent to Azkaban for the rest of his days. Luis Landin led Colchester FC to successive midtable finishes in Division 5 - 7th in Season 22 and then 5th in Season 23.

Luis Landin was moved to club ambassador at the end of Season 24 after watching his side miss out of promotion to Division 4. Colchester FC were then taken over by global logging firm Deforestation FTW Ltd. and renamed the club Useless Planks United. Plankman was installed as manager.

The new manager brought instant success to the newly named club, bringing promotion to Division 4 for the first time ever in the club's history. They finished as champions of 5.46 with only 1 defeat all season. Edmund Smith scored 22 goals to fire the club to promotion.

Consolidation was expected for Division 4, but the club achieved stunning sucess. In Season 26 they finished 3rd in 4.16, though many points behind the top two. Smith, top scorer in the Season 25, was top scorer again with 14 goals. Unfortunately, he was aging quite quickly, and Rico Haley was signed to replace him.

The next season ended in heartbreak for the Essex based side, as they missed out on promotion to Division 3 on the final day of the season after a 0-0 draw away to Squid Utd. Rico Haley finished as the club's top scorer with 18 goals.

Midway through Season 28, Plankman was sacked by the club following a dismal start to the campaign. He was replaced by the Hatchet Man.

The Club Edit

The club fanbase was lovingly known as the The Calchy Worshippers, leading outsiders to believe that fans were part of a cult, worshipping some form of "Footballing" creature of the Demon/God combination. The fans were known for their popular and humorous slogans, with the most popular reading "Calchy > Kids >Wife". The Calchy Worshippers disappeared very quickly after Sir Jack's convinction. The fanbase is currently known as "We Kill Trees" to show solidarity with the deforesting owners.

The current stadium has a capacity of 24000, but with promotions, the board hope to expand this whenever needed. The current facilities are relatively basic, but the board state that youth development and training facilities are of utmost importance. The board also states that the groundsmen use state of the art Pitch Covers and Sprinkers, to keep the pitch in top notch playing condition.

The club's fanbase, managerial team and board are a highly ambitious bunch, always aiming for promotion every season. The club's board and managerial team are strong believers in the development of young talent, and the training of said talent. So far, it has been a long and disappointing search for big talents, but the staff remain confident it is only a matter of when, not if.

The Players Edit


Number Player Country Age
1 Mohammed Jaikat Jordan 32
19 Steve Long England 22
28 Viktor Opocensky Czech Republic 26
82 Chad Richardson England 33


Number Player Position Country Age
2 Warren Mitchell DR/DL England 23
3 Scott Summberbee DC/DR England 33
4 Arkwright Snead DC England 21
5 Daniel Yates F England 21
6 Brian Clarke MC England 20
7 Magne Gjertsen OMC/OML Norway 30
8 Andrew Gregory OMC England 25
9 Alan Eastwood DMR/MR England 30
10 Stelios Mitrakos DML/DMR Greece 23
11 Lucas David Bonvin DMC Argentina 22
12 Martin Webster DR/DMR England 18
13 Borys Suslov DC Ukraine 20
14 Farouk Kamal FC Egypt 19
15 Andy Samaras DC England 26
16 Robbie Mathewson ML England 22
17 Dan Kennedy DC England 18
18 Vincent De Vos FC Belgium 19
20 Stilian Charakov DR/DMR Bulgaria 20
21 Martin Page DR England 19
22 Carlton Hammond DMC/DMR England 18
23 Chad Smith FC England 18
24 Michael Bellamy ML England 18
25 Signitas Razanaukas DMC Lithuania 20
26 Steven Fairchild OML England 18
83 Rob Sinclair OMC England 21
84 Steven Turner DC/DL England 32
85 Louis Granville DMC/DML England 24
86 Octavio Pinto ML/OML Portugal


87 Florien Hanriot DR France 32
88 Andy Baker OMC/FC England 19
89 Scot Turner MC England 20
90 Joe Smart FC England 19
91 Matt Sheldon OMC England 20
92 Gabor Nagy OMC/FC Hungary 21
93 Badr Aldin Al Janouby DMR Kuwait 20
94 Colin Scofield DMR England 32
95 Philip Yates DC/DL England 23
96 Stojan Karadordevic MC Serbia 24
97 Andy Granville OML/FC England 24
98 Paul Mawson DMC England 18
99 Rico Haley FC Canada 33

The manager Edit

The first manager of the side was Aidy Boothroyd. He was in charge for several weeks, until FITA asked UETA to revoke his mangerial Pro Licence over Boothroyd's infamous "FITA are communists" speech. UETA were happy to oblige, and Aidy's ability to manage a football club was gone. His last alleged sighting was at a back alley pub, perhaps hatching a plan to overthrow football's governing body. Likely accomplices are Mr Blobby, Shola Ameobi, the Care Bears and Ivor Badbacks. News reports that Matt Madden (Or Pikey, as he/she prefers) might help the plot by dressing up as a woman to help distract security guards are currently unconfirmed.

A string of unsuccessful caretaker managers followed, until finally a man was found for the job on a permanent basis. Jac El Doomio took over. He was young, inexperienced, but had a great bite for the game after a successful spell in playing football professionally. He still plays for a Welsh Sunday League side, and is still an impressive player. Jac El Doomio had a brilliant first two seasons in charge, winning back to back promotions. Then a disaster season struck, the team's first in Division 5. El Doomio was critized for poor transfers, and spending money on facilities the club could not afford. To top off this awful season, El Doomio's side was relegated. The team's first season back in Division 6 had an indifferent start, and this lead to El Doomio's removal from his post.

As soon as El Doomio was sacked, a new manager was found, along with a complete team overhaul. Sir Jack was hired, Colchester FC returned, and the fans weirdly started calling themselves the "Calchy Worshippers". Sir Jack denies to this day he is the leader of a Demonic Cult, and states that he has not brainwashed the fans and players. Outsiders remain highly suspicious of Sir Jack, real name Badhorn Hookbeak, whose family were outspoken Pagans.

Sir Jack was then sacked following a long police investigation into the Calchy Worshippers, and the subsequent arrest and conviction on charges of Creating a Cult, False Imprisonment, Torture and Brainwashing. He is currently serving his life sentence on a remote island somewhere, perhaps St Helena. Luis Landin, an ex-Colchester player, was then hired for the job justs weeks after retiring. It was his first managerial appointment.

Luis Landin was moved to a ambassador role after failing to achieve promotion to Division 4. Rumour has it he actually doesn't do anything for the club now, he just plays golf and drinks wine all day. He was replaced by Plankman following the takeover by Deforestation FTW Ltd.

Plankman was seen as a revolutionary figure, guiding Useless Planks United to the promised land of Division 4. Despite his revolutionary ability, he was also seen as incredibly arrogant and self centred. He claimed that he should have been proclaimed President of all Trees and that the United Kingdom should have been renamed to Plankman's Estate. After the bad start to Season 28, he sent to early retirement. Some say the shady side of Deforestation FTW Ltd. put his head under a bandsaw, though sightings of him protesting against Friends of the Earth in London seem to confirm this was merely a rumour, perhaps spread by the evildoers in Friends of the Earth determined to show the Mafia-like tendencies of the logging industry.

Plankman's replacement was the Hatchet Man, seen as the "perfect man for a crisis" by Deforestation FTW Ltd. His CV includes being able to sell termite infested houses to Harvard graduates and being able to build the world's most eco-unfriendly home - an area of the Amazon Rainforest the size of Wales was used to build this one home. The Hatchet Man though claims that that was an underestimation and was hugely insulting - he claims an area the size of Germany was cut down to build it.

General Statistics Edit

Seasons Played - 11 (Joined Season 17)

Total Games Played - 364 (not including current season)

Wins/Defeats/Losses - 179/99/86 (49.2%/27.2%/23.6%)

Most Games Played - Alan Eastwood - 202

Most Goals - Rico Haley - 53 in 68 matches

Most Assists - Alan Eastwood - 52 in 202 matches

Record Signing - Magne Gjertsen - $91million - Season 28

Record Sale - Nicky Carrick - $97million - Season 24

Awards Edit

Champion of Non-League Premier Group 407 (Season 17)

Champion of Conference National Group 136 (Season 18)

Champion of Conference National Group 136 (Season 20)

Champion of Conference Premier Group 46 (Season 25)

3rd in League 2 Group 16 (Season 26)